THE VATICAN – Pope Francis was reportedly “bewildered” today when a package containing the Healy clock hands turned up on his doorstep.   “That’s weird; I don’t remember ordering anything from Amazon,” the 77-year-old pontiff was heard to remark as he examined the UPS box left outside the Domus Sanctae Marthae.   After carrying the […]

HEALY — Freshman Zachary Katz (COL ’18) announced his intention to convert to Catholicism Monday after proofreading his classmate’s Problem of God paper. Having come to Georgetown without a faith background, Katz describes the “profound theological insights” contained in fellow freshman Ricky Whitman’s (COL ’18) essay as nothing short of “a spiritual awakening.”   “I […]

ICC — The Intercultural Center convulsed in violence yesterday as realist international relations scholars in the Department of Government invaded the office space of their liberal internationalist colleagues.   Striking swiftly and without warning, the realist professors launched a coordinated assault against the liberals, occupying their offices and annexing them for their own use.   […]

Taking 40% of the votes cast, “The Heal” is the winner (loser) of the Heckler’s word to ban in 2015. Thank you for not saying “The Heal.”

Multi-Sport Field – Georgetown University’s football team celebrated the end of the 2014 season today by awarding each player a special trophy for participation.   After beating Holy Cross to end the season 3-8, head coach Rob Sgarlata called his players together for an end-of-season ceremony.   “Great hustle today, guys,” Sgarlata told the team. […]

Time magazine drew criticism recently when it invited readers to vote on words to ban in 2015. Past winners of this annual poll have included “YOLO” and “twerk”, but this year many took umbrage at Time’s decision to include “feminist” on the list. With Time having lost all legitimacy, we at The Heckler feel it […]

RED SQUARE  — Tensions escalated yesterday in the ongoing conflict between the Chinese Student Alliance (CSA) and the Taiwanese Student Association (TSA). Belligerent posturing by the CSA as the two groups were tabling in Red Square prompted a university response when President DeGioia dispatched a squad of campus police as a deterrent force against any […]

SMITHSONIAN — Metropolitan Police took five members of GU Fossil Free into custody Monday night after they were caught vandalizing the Tyrannosaurus rex fossil in the Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum.   Responding to a call from museum security, the police apprehended the students as they were throwing buckets of yellow paint onto the petrified remains […]

To the horror of Gilban construction officials and delight of fantasy connoisseurs, Georgetown University came under attack this week after the felling of trees in the Northeast Triangle upset a group of ents. As construction began on a new student dormitory, several trees—among the largest and last remaining on campus—had to be removed from the […]

Less than two weeks into his first semester, freshman Timothy McPherson (SFS ’18) delivered a rousing oration yesterday in Leo O’Donovan Dining Hall about how he would “fix” Georgetown to his classmate over lunch. “I said something about how the chicken was kind of dry, and that just seemed to set him off,” said Chris […]