GEORGETOWN HOTEL — In a school-wide address last Tuesday, University President John DeGioia lamented that Georgetown, a university with an on-campus hotel, is in dire need of student housing to meet its 2027 campus plan requirements.   Georgetown, whose on-campus hotel is capable of holding over 500 people at a single time, has been forced to cordon […]

WASHINGTON — The Redskins are planning to bench quarterback Colt McCoy next Sunday at New York in favor of their fourth string quarterback, no one, reports ESPN’s Adam Schefter. McCoy, who had a quarterback rating of 54.0 today, turned the ball over twice and took six sacks. No one, the Redskin’s first round draft pick in […]

TOLEDO — Dozens of students were reportedly “at a loss” after their friend’s former roommate’s mother’s boyfriend changes his Netflix password Thursday morning.   Said boyfriend, Jared Davidson, a 47 year-old salesman from Toledo, reportedly changed the password after noticing that the movie “Leprechaun 5: In the Hood” had been given a 4 star rating. […]

WASHINGTON — Earlier tonight the GUSA Senate narrowly approved a bill to authorize construction of the Keystone and Natty pipelines which will extract crude beer from Canadian tar sands and funnel it directly to New South, the Village A rooftops, and the Jesuit Residence. The bill barely overcame the 20-vote threshold for passage by a […]

COPLEY LAWN – At approximately 11 am this morning newly-trained tour guide Jon Diamond (COL ‘16), a caucasian, upper class resident hailing from Wyckoff, New Jersey was heard touting Georgetown’s diversity to a visiting group of upper class caucasian high schoolers and their parents from Ridgewood, New Jersey.   Diamond reportedly talked about the “crazy” […]

VILLAGE A — After the passage of the marijuana legalization ballot initiative thrust the District to the forefront of a nationwide movement, Georgetown students reportedly celebrated this week by getting “totally wasted” on an assortment of alcoholic beverages.    The initiative, which passed with a strong majority, was welcomed by students taking shots and shotgunning beers. […]

NEW YORK — The United Nations World Food Programme today announced its plans to air drop lifesaving assistance to refugees stranded in the Leo J. O’Donovan’s pasta line.   Following a unanimous security council resolution the organization pledged roughly 2,000 tons of food in emergency aid. “We are pulling out all the stops to keep […]

WASHINGTON — The NFL suspended the Washington Redskin’s name indefinitely on Sunday following the revelation of a shocking Wikipedia article linking the word “redskin” to the 522 year-long brutal oppression of Native Americans.   National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell reversed course after 82 years of unsanctioned activity by the team and told reporters Monday […]