ROCKFORD, IL — Before backing out of her driveway, local mom Lisa Shelton called the attention of her passengers of her Honda Pilot on Thursday to ask if all of them were buckled, according to witnesses present at the scene. “Is everyone buckled? We can’t go to the park unless everyone is buckled,” said Shelton, seemingly […]
A new FDA study published Thursday warned that the average American should take steps to curb their average soda intake, unless that soda is the “always delicious, always fresh” Dr Pepper or any of its yummy variants. The report measured over 90 pages long, although the government regulatory agency encourages everyone to read it in […]
After the Georgetown basketball’s decisive 79-72 victory over the Syracuse Orange, Hoya Blue member Steve Parlo (COL ’17) is ready to shed his earthly desires and achieve interminable peace. “That was a great game. I will no longer experience pain. I will no longer age. I have escaped my worldly condemnation to death. My flames of greed are extinguished and my soul […]
WASHINGTON, DC – On Friday morning, U.S. House of Representatives Speaker-Billwriter John Boehner (R-OH) announced he would be “taking a break” from the House of Representatives to work on his own solo legislation projects. “It’s not about fame, it’s all about creative differences,” said Boehner has he handed flyers to his upcoming self-made appropriations drafts. “The rest of the […]
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – At a campaign stop in Cedar Rapids on Monday, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush ended his stump speech with a national call to action, prioritizing the location and safe return of a Hot Wheels toy car he once loaned to his brother, former president George W. Bush. “Now, I’m not going […]
NEW YORK, NY – On Thursday, U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman overturned the NFL’s suspension of New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady, who had been sanctioned for his alleged knowing use of underinflating footballs during the 2015 AFC Championship Game, citing his personal inferiority to the Patriots QB. “You’re asking me, regular ol’ Dicky […]
WASHINGTON, DC – Following the last episode of Comedy Central’s satirical news program The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 23-year-old Louis Miller’s search to re-locate his own opinions seems likely to enter a third week. Miller (COL ’14) reported his sociopolitical beliefs missing only one day after the show’s host Jon Stewart retired from his […]
POTOMAC, MD – Despite the estimated quarter million dollars and years of spirit maiming stress he will cost his parents throughout his childhood and adolescence, 7-year-old Jordan Watts remains entirely unaware of his existence being the root cause of his parents’ divorce. Both of Jordan’s parents, Ben and Jillian, have separately corroborated their […]
DANBURY, CT – One day after giving their father a new pair of Nike running shoes for Father’s Day, the Edelson siblings remained unsure if the gift will inspire exercise as they had orignially hoped. “Yesterday when we told him they were great for jogging he just chuckled and said, ‘Great.’ What does that even mean?” […]