RED SQUARE—In an effort to “promote like peace and understanding man,” Georgetown hippies have pressured the University to recognize Red Square as a “free love zone.”     “We just like need somewhere to hang out and come together” said Flower Moon (SFS ’17), one of the hippies, adding that Red Square “has the […]

HEALY HALL—In a move to “bring the University back to its Catholic identity,” conservative professors say that they will be conducting Problem of God classes entirely in Latin this semester.   The movement is being spearheaded by Professor Gregor the Pius, who when asked for comment, posited, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetuer” before nodding benevolently […]

BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Multiple sources have confirmed to the Heckler that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II spent this past weekend sending multiple drunk texts to Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in order to get the two countries back together. The conversation began with Her Majesty texting “Hey we should hang out together again sometime :)” while at trade […]

THE INTERNET — In an effort to increase social activity amongst pre-med students, the Center for Student Engagement and the Georgetown University Pre-Med Society have partnered to create a dating service for pre-med students called Covalent Bonds.   Senior Jack Crockett (COL ’15), creator and CEO of the service, described it as “a way to […]

HARIRI —  In an unexpected announcement, the McDonough School of Business will begin offering a seven-credit course entitled “Academic Eligibility” in the Marketing department in the spring of 2015.   University Registrar praised the new course as “ground breaking” and “totally legitimate.”   The course, brainchild of Basketball Coach John Thompson III, was available this […]

LAU 2– Sophomore Madeline Schmidt (SFS ’17) was reportedly seen Monday night on the second floor of Lauinger Library cramming for Tuesday’s midterm elections. Schmidt said she was “gonna get around real soon” to researching Tom Cotton’s monetary policy after “a quick Facebook sesh” and that she was trying to begin understanding the implications of the Hobby Lobby case for this year’s election […]