Despite common belief that niche majors like Medieval Studies have no real world utility, a new study shows that niche majors are good for two sentences of small talk. “Whether they are JUPS or Anthropology, a niche major can count on their peers interest for as long as common courtesy lasts,” said researcher Daniel Strong, […]

Having been through so much together, couple Kelly Marshall (COL ’17) and Jimmy O’Reilly (COL ’17) have reached the point where each of them could, if they decided to, unleash some serious, long lasting emotional damage on one another. “We have been through so much together that we both have the ability to deliver a crushing […]

Having been through so much together, couple Kelly Marshall (COL ’17) and Jimmy O’Reilly (COL ’17) have reached the point where each of them could, if they decided to, unleash some serious, long lasting emotional damage on one another. “We have been through so much together that we both have the ability to deliver a crushing […]

U.S. — After listening to SiriusXM Hits 1 in their Honda CR-Vs for hours every week on their way to and from work, every mom in the United States is now gleefully bobbing their heads and humming along to Maroon 5. “Sugar… Yes Please… duh dah duh dah nah nuh nah nuh nah,” said Mary Harnette, one of […]

Georgetown administration has taken extensive measures to ensure that no prospective student sees the freshman dorm.

LEO O’DONOVAN HALL — Citing the need for more variety in the options at Leo’s Dining Hall, Aramark will add the discarded remains of fair contract proposals to the Salad Bar selection.   “We hope that offering another option like shredded union contract proposals will help to reduce lines and give students an additional healthy […]

  HENLE — As part of their mission to prepare its members for leadership through service, the co-ed fraternity Alpha Phi Omega will serve the Georgetown community by hosting lots of parties.   “I find it very fulfilling to be able to hand out dozens of handles of Burnetts,” remarked Joel Young (COL ’16), a […]

VERIZON CENTER — Having stored enough energy for the winter, Georgetown Center Joshua Smith announced Saturday that he would hibernate for the rest of winter. “This is an ongoing process that my teammates and coach have been supportive of. It is a natural process for me to store large amounts of energy and lower my […]

BALTIMORE, MD – With a growing list of sexual assault allegations piling against him, Bill Cosby’s lawyer announced Friday that he has signed with the Baltimore Ravens.   “We are looking forward to what Bill Cosby brings to our organization,” the Ravens announced in an official statement. “With the loss of Ray Rice earlier this […]

THE COMMENTS SECTION – Amongst the chaos of the internet storm erupting from recent trials, internet commenter BONERPILLZ__xo90 has offered insightful commentary about race relations on chat forums across the web. “The promulgation of racially charged stereotypes has created a hyperreality in which media impedes truth seeking and polarizes the masses to see issues in […]