MINSK, Belarus – After months of patiently waiting for Russia to make the first move, Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko publicly announced that his country “would be a great boon to anyone who might try to appropriate its lands.”   Lukashenko, after considering of Russia’s political maneuvers in Ukraine last year, said he fully expected for Russia […]

DUBUQUE, IA – Election experts took note on Monday as Democratic “presidential” candidate Martin O’Malley held his most energizing campaign rally yet in front of approximately 1,200 equally vanilla supporters and passersby, what many are calling the clearest sign yet of the latent strength in his vice presidential bid. O’Malley has been conducting a steadfast […]

WASHINGTON, DC – What began as an innocent game of “what-if” has quickly spiraled out of control for native District resident Alexander Polinski, 25. “Normally she asks something like ‘what would you do if I gained weight?’ or ‘what would you do if I ended up just like my mother?’ But that Saturday she started […]

NEW YORK CITY – Presidential Hopeful Bernie Sanders was seen early yesterday morning taking an eight-pound sledgehammer to the south corner of the 14 Wall Street Building. After vigorously attempting to compromise the building using only his own two bloodied hands, police escorted him away from area.   Onlookers described Sanders as being bright red […]

KAZAKHSTAN – Sophomore Jeremy Wills (COL ’17) has transferred to a small encampment in the Kazakh Steppe in order to maintain his ‘one-upping’ habit, through one of Georgetown’s many study abroad programs. After trying to outdo everyone in the greater DC Metropolitan area, Wills reportedly will now try to show the native Kazakh people ‘how […]

HENLE – A writer for the Georgetown Heckler was seen attempting to gain popularity by advertising his position as a writer at various parties and social events.   While in attendance at fraternity party last Friday night, bystanders report that this writer asked everyone what organizations they were in, and then fervently waited for them […]

HARIRI – Last Tuesday, Professor Henry Poltz announced to his class of to-be management executives it was in the department’s best interest that the lower ranking students be let go.   “Due to recent cuts in funding and necessary raises in professor salaries, we have decided to lay off less qualified students. We feel this […]

ICC 108 – After receiving the new syllabus for Introduction to Sexuality Studies, students reported they were surprised to find that various overtly sexual lab sections had been added to the course. After the hiring of Professor Miranda Hughes, the class has supposedly been restructured to be more “hands on.”   The course, a staple […]

LXR – Six hours after picking up his new guitar from the LXR RHO Junior Thomas Flint (COL ’16) reported himself to the Heckler as the “next Bruce Springsteen”.   Flint described his mastery of the hit-song, Wonderwall (originally by Oasis) to reporters as “arduous” and as an “expression of soul.”   The musician reported […]