NEW SOUTH – According to multiple sources, noted campus Republican Jimmy “No Handouts” Irving was spotted taking condoms from Hoyas for Choice. Responding to multiple allegations that Jimmy had brung a girl back to his room, Jimmy claimed, “I don’t really know how it happened, but 20 minutes later she was asking if I had a condom.” […]

WHITE GRAVENOR — On Tuesday, myopic student Kyle Evans (COL ’18) chose a front row seat in his 9:00 am history class and unintentionally signaled to history professor Dr. Clarissa Collins that he was intellectually invested in, and prepared to discuss, the course material.  “Now, who has any thoughts on the reading?” asked Collins as she locked eyes […]

LEAVEY CENTER — Citing numerous online health articles and questionable financial statistics, the Corp revealed its plans on Sunday to convert Yates Field House into one huge SoulCycle over the next five years. “We felt that the old model of going to the gym and exercising however you’d like is outdated. We at the Corp […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR HALL – After realizing he was “losing them” 45 minutes into an hour and fifteen minute lecture, the tenured English professor Dr. Burgess reportedly called King Laius of the story of Oedipus a “dick” in a last-ditch effort to persuade the remaining students to not drop his class. “So when he ordered the ankles to be […]

VILLAGE B — At his debate-watch after-party on Thursday, overly firm handshaker and future face on a GUSA poster Chip Carlington (SFS ‘17) reportedly admitted he could definitely see a future for himself in politics due to his ability to communicate both professionalism and affability with only the grip of his hand.  “What’s he doing? Why is […]