NEW SOUTH— Johnny and Kyle, residents of New South 208, took matters into their own hands after a mouse scurried across their floor during a game of beer pong. The next morning, Johnny and Kyle walked to Safeway to buy several mousetraps, which they then placed in each corner of the room. “It’s weird, looking […]

WASHINGTON– Ah, Fall is finally in the air! After a hot and humid September, Washingtonians rejoice as cooler weather is finally upon us. Temperatures dropped down to the high fifties last night, which certainly must have been a surprise for any scantily-clad late-night partygoers. Today looks to be our first truly autumnal day with a […]

[This story is developing and will be updated as soon as the cop in TopShop allows the Iggy Pop bop to continue popping off]

GEORGETOWN – After weeks of escalating tension, early this Thursday morning the stalemate between a sophomore student who had not yet changed his Net ID password and the university computer system entered its final 24 hours. At approximately 7:30a.m. the system issued its most terrifying threat to date, writing “if you delay or forget, your […]

To Whom It May Concern, You are fools. You hold up this silly Bulldog on high. That dog with his sad, unimpressed face. And that silly human name you’ve given him. “Jack,” is it? Surely he detests you, you must know that. Perhaps you do not, but I shall pretend no longer. I often wonder […]

PORTLAND, O.R. – A Benihana restaurant was evacuated this Thursday evening following the eruption of a chef’s onion volcano. “It was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. I mean he just pulled an onion apart, stacked the rings, and then all the sudden there’s just smoke pouring out of the thing.”said restaurant diner Peter Tatum, […]

BALTIMORE, MD – This Thursday afternoon a local 99 year old woman, and apparently a complete quitter, Susan Edelran died. “It’s really a shame that mom had to give up on life just a few weeks before hitting that big 100. I guess she really just was a total slacker when it came down to […]

GEORGETOWN – Following a surprise victory in student elections this past Thursday, Khan-Fisk and Mack-Andino forces met in a gruesome battle in Sellinger Lounge as the challengers attempted to usurp the noble GUSA throne. “TODAY SHALL BE THE FIRST DAY OF OUR GOD-ORDAINED RULE, LET THESE HALLS RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF THOSE WHO […]

The Heckler would like to extend a reminder to all of the current GUSA candidates: we do in fact accept bribes. We’ll take bribes in any form at any time. Money, beer, food, you name it. Want a nice, flattering article about how you once saved a small child from falling off of a bridge […]

Washington D.C. – Multiple sources are reporting today that 83 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has decided to leave the safety of the courthouse and descend the long and icy staircase outside without even using the railing. “Oh god, she’s still got fifty stairs left to go. Even for a young person […]