I’ve traveled the seven seas. I’ve explored lands far and wide. I’ve fought battles and slain beasts- and yet never have I felt a pain like that which the Royal Jacket Meatball Sub™ has latterly bestowed upon me. As I sit, perched atop my porcelain throne, all I can do is pray to all that […]

It is a sausage party, but it is the greatest party of them all.  When freshman William Edwin Ballston DeBois (SFS ‘26) was assigned Darnall 3 for his first year living accommodation at Georgetown University, he sighed, feeling ever so relieved. It’s on top of Epicurean, and the quesadilla is his favorite food. But upon […]

So you made the mistake of sticking around Georgetown for another semester, because during your junior year the “global pandemic” happened to “disrupt” your flourishing undergraduate “education.” That’s cool! What a normal, amazing choice you have made for yourself. That also means you have another semester to work on your thesis. Wow! But one thing […]

Ever since your mother had her first bite of a Trader Joe’s pumpkin samosa, her life and yours have not been the same. It’s so sad that your mother, who took care of you until you left for college, is so preoccupied by Trader Joe’s pumpkin flavoured foods that she no longer picks up the […]

He Lives! The King lives and I saw him at GAAP weekend. Some jackass in a rhinestoned white suit showed up at my table, where I was giving out fun gray shirts that say HOYAS 2026 on the back. They’re only for admitted students, but I was so stunned to see Elvis Presley here at […]

Hey guys, not free food, but I have a whole collection of Game of Thrones Funko-pops that I’m letting go of – feel free to come over to Henle 53 to pick them up!  But while I’m at it, can I be straight with you guys? I feel like even though this is a free […]

In normal years, students at Georgetown spend their time bemoaning the brutalist architecture, crowded studying spaces, and sinister trash bags wrapped around the toilet bowls of Lauinger Library (editor’s note: these toilets are not broken, just reserved for Heckler staff). However, this fall, students will be doing the exact same thing with a brand new […]

Foiled again! My associates and I here at the agency have spent many, many years trying to figure out how to “take him out,” him being the devious criminal known to us all as Chunky. Though I have no evidence, I just KNOW that he is plotting the downfall of America, and after that will […]

It was a most unusual mass.  Good Catholics at Dahlgren Chapel were blessed with a much too salty surprise when during Fr. Carnes’ homily, it was discovered that there was not a single scrap of communion lying around. Luckily, some loose red Pringles cans leftover from last month’s food donation drive was their salvation. “We […]

McCARTHY HALL – Resident Minister Anthony “Tony” Manza’s weekly office hours for students were empty this week, likely because the Southwest Quad, like the rest of campus, has been vacated in order to contain the spread of the COVID-19 virus.  Although, if we’re being honest, they were empty last week too.  And the week before.  […]