Let’s face it. Love is difficult. Especially for those of us who are not Zooey Deschanel. So how exactly does a woman find love if she falls short of the unsurmountable standards Zooey has set, and she also lacks the necessary skills to be a good girlfriend? Here’s how: Get some bangs on your forehead, […]

Everyone knows that the whole point of therapy is to convince your therapist that you’re completely fine. Right? But we at the Heckler know that it can be hard to gauge how convincing you’ve been. If you’ve been saying all the right things, but you just can’t tell if you’re winning at therapy, here are […]

BETHESDA – I have a harrowing – yet eye-opening – experience to share. My friends and I let our weird roommate be the group sponsor for housing this year, and, next thing I know, a local Papa John’s in Bethesda is where I’m now calling home. Yep, it sounds strange. You wouldn’t believe how fast […]

GEORGETOWN – Building on the momentum of the wildly successful cashless campaign implemented earlier this year, Corp CEO Jacob Saunderson (COL ’18) recently announced that effective immediately, the Corp has transitioned to being completely moneyless. “After noticing that we never seem to have any money anyway, it was an easy logistical call,” said Saunderson. “Without having to worry about […]

ANNAPOLIS, MD – Maryland’s third congressional district was rattled by scandal this past week, as a slight gerrymandering mishap forced up-for- reelection Congressman John Sarbanes to begin courting an unexpected constituency: 13,234 harbor seals. This marine voting bloc of Phoca vitulina, or “the common seal,” had been accidentally tacked onto Maryland’s 3rd back in 2010 […]

WASHINGTON – Officials at the Federal Reserve released a statement tonight conceding that some of their high-security underground gold vaults may, in fact, be full of those little chocolate coins they make, you know, the ones that come in those mesh orange bag things, because the reality of the fiduciary job in question is one […]

COLUMBIA HEIGHTS. Despite promising Himself that He would be a more responsible spender this holiday season, Our Almighty Heavenly Father conceded this afternoon that he had recently made an impulse purchase of several trillion galaxies at his local Target. “Ugh,” God told the Heckler, holding His head in His hands, “Where am I going to […]

Can You Convince Your Jesuit Professor To Give You God’s Hotmail Address? God doesn’t respond to your prayers, but maybe He’ll respond to your emails.   You want God’s email address so you can ask Him how long you’re supposed to microwave Chef Boyardee ravioli meat for. How do you initially broach this subject with […]