NEBRASKA- Following the revelations that the 268,738 residents of Lincoln, Nebraska were simply illusions, authorities have declared the supposed state capital to be entirely fictional. “It was a good game while it was on, but eventually you get rusty and make a few slips,” said man behind the hoax Albert The Amazing Magic Man, as […]
Dear Freshman Attending His First College Party, I’m a first year here at Georgetown and I really haven’t gotten to go out that much on the weekends since I’ve been here. When I have gone out though, there doesn’t seem to be that much happening and I have trouble getting into any place since I […]
On the night of April 21st, 2014, I dreamt that David Rubenstein, Georgetown’s Vice President of Finance and Treasurer, was chasing me down an endless corridor of funhouse mirrors. As I flew in terror across those white marble checkered floors, I could hear Rubenstein’s voice bellowing over a haunted cacophony of cash register cha-chings and […]
When the Heckler looks at the fine candidates running for GUSA President whether they be Stewards, Second Stewards, or…Stewards draftees we are impressed but still left wanting. Sure they speak grandiloquently about “reform” and “accountability” and “plugging the leaks” but we all know that once elected they’ll become part of the same bland system that […]
It took me a while to write this. I just… I haven’t been well recently. Waking up every morning knowing that life as I know it will effectively end in just a few months has got me pretty depressed. As of May 21st, 2014, Capital One will no longer be a part of my Georgetown […]
It resembled something out of a nightmare. Grown men were reduced to flinging themselves at doors bolted shut, uttering cries of anguish before they collapsed into puddles of tears. Women wailed and gnashed their teeth as they rent the clothing upon their breasts. The very sky itself seemed to darken, and the January chill bit […]
During the second of her twice-daily walks to Yates Field House, Georgetown University in-house dietitian Bethany Douglas saw your gelatinous frame struggling to walk up a hill and thought about it for a long time, sources confirmed Thursday. Concluding that your exercise routine is non-existent and that your diet consists solely of suet smothered in […]
Recent events surrounding the Georgetown satellite campus have prompted me to speak directly to the Georgetown student body and university administrators. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient communication between our societies. I was deeply saddened to hear that Georgetown University is contemplating the idea of a satellite campus to meet […]