The Georgetown Heckler

News | May 5, 2014

Girl 97% Done with Paper “Totally Screwed” for Exams


LAU 2 — While commiserating with friends in the library last night about how stressed they collectively were about finals, Jennifer Hoken (COL ’15) described herself as “so behind on work.”

Hoken, who only needs to proofread her 30-page research paper once more before handing it in on Friday, explained to friends that she “has barely started her paper.”

“Ugh, why am I so behind?” she asked her friends who nodded in sympathy.

As each member of the table on Lau 2 took turns describing the hopelessness of their attempts to study, friend Brenda Michaels (MSB ’15) drew several angry glares by saying she was “feeling okay about this exam tomorrow.”

While in line at Midnight MUG later that night on a 107-minute study break, Hoken took the opportunity to express to all within earshot about the futility of her efforts to work on the paper.

“I can’t even,” she said, with a dramatic sigh, referencing the nine minutes it would take to both proofread her paper and send it to her professor.

“There’s no way you’re more screwed than me though,” chimed in her compatriot Christine Bilas (MSB ’15) citing no particular examples.

“Ugh, I’m just going to drop out and be a hobo” said Hoken who currently maintains a 3.9 GPA and was recently accepted into Georgetown Law School’s early assurance program.

“Why am I such a bad student?” asked the junior who has made the dean’s list for five consecutive semester to everyone and no one at the same time.

Reports later came in that table of girls who were “going to be in the library all night” were all asleep by 1:17 am.