ATLANTA — Leading Center for Disease Control researchers unveiled a massive breakthrough this week in the quest to fine a cure for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS.
Surprising many experts and insiders in the field, Research Chair Lily Garrison revealed that the long-awaited treatment for the world’s most unpronounceable killer did not involve any type of antibiotics or white blood cell levels. Rather, all one has to do to rid oneself of the previously unstoppable ailment is “pour a nice, big bucket of refreshing ice water on your head.”
Early reports suggest that dumping ice water on your head does not involve any intravenous drug injections or physical therapy.
Garrison, speaking at the main conference venue at the Center for Disease Control, went on to apologize to assembled media members and her fellow scientists for “continually looking for a cure in the wrong places” such as through medicine and drugs and “not thinking outside the box.”
Following the stunning and sweeping success of people dumping buckets of ice water on their head on social media, scientists quickly deduced that procuring a bucket holding at least a half gallon of water chilled below 40 degree fahrenheit and dumping it on your head while being filmed on at least a five megapixel camera immediately eradicates all symptoms of the disease.
“You want to make sure the water is cold enough that it’s uncomfortable to be dumped on you, but, at the same time, would be a nice treat to drink on a hot summer day,” said Garrison.
Garrison declined to offer a thorough explanation for the cure, but did speculate that the “really cold” temperature of the water could “kill the disease or something.”
“All you had to do was pour buckets of ice water on your head,” said CDC researcher Franklin Smith with a shrug after the press conference. “Who woulda guessed?”
The news of the cure of the disease was received favorably on Georgetown’s campus.
“I just knew if we just put our heads down and poured frigid water on them we could beat this thing,” said Mary Freeman (SFS ’15)
“Just posting something on social media solves yet another problem. Classic,” said Martin Horn (NHS ’16). “Is there anything our demographic can’t overcome?”
CDC researchers also noted that some individuals had declined to pour water on their heads and, instead, were giving monetary donations to ALS research efforts.
“Let me be clear,” said CDC press officer Jamie Irving. “That kind of behavior isn’t going to get anyone anywhere: please just keep dumping ice water on your head.”
CDC officials appeared to be eager to keep the momentum up after such a breakthrough this week.
“Next I think we’re gonna see if we can beat HIV by stubbing our toe from a weird angle and then we’ll try getting really bad brain freezes and see if that helps cure cancer,” said Irving.