The Georgetown Heckler

News | September 18, 2014

New Corp Espresso Machine to Run on Rejected Applications


LEAVEY CENTER — Citing constant malfunctions from their current espresso machine, Uncommon Grounds’ (“UG”) Director of Operations announced that the storefront will soon be using an alternative-fuel device to make students’ coffee.ug_portfoliologo

The Rejectionetti, an in-house model developed by the Student’s of Georgetown’s (“The Corp”) Information Technology Department, will be powered solely by rejected applications to the store.
Throughout the transition period, UG has said it is “committed to” providing customers with same rich tasting coffee products they are accustomed to.

Compared to the current Italian-import, Marzocco, which UG uses, the internal workings of the device will be substantially different.

Instead of relying on “old-timey” thermostatically-controlled copper-boilers and heat exchangers to provide the necessary components to steam milk and produce espresso, the new machine will simply compress rejected applications until the heat of their frustration is enough to heat the espresso beans.

Officials at Marzocco were surprised the Corp was able to produce such a model this quickly, but they expressed understanding about market forces beyond their control. An official statement released this morning stressed that even their “most state of art models” could not compete with “the ease, convenience and simplicity” of running a machine on underclassmen’s trampled dreams of belonging.

While Corp officials have stressed that the espresso produced by the machine will be of the same standards as previous appliances, the ease of powering this machine will provide benefits which will trickle down to the consumer.

As explained by UG’s store director, the new model “will help combat rising electricity costs and problems we’ve had in the past with reliability of some of our machinery.”

With the rising minimum wage putting pressure on the company to find cost-cutting solution the traditional, stainless steel machine seemed like an obvious first step once the ability to transform six free response questions into a steamy caffeinated beverage became available.

“It was honestly a no brainer when it was proposed,” said UG’s Director of Point of Sale. “Before this, the applications used to simply sit in the internet, serving only a reminder of Georgetown’s obsession with competitive clubs and institutions.”

Other members of the store stressed the smaller environmental footprint afforded by the new machine.

“At the end of this day this will be a huge benefit to our green commitment as all applications are digital anyway.”