The Georgetown Heckler

News | November 19, 2014

GUSA Approves Keystone, Natty Pipelines


WASHINGTON — Earlier tonight the GUSA Senate narrowly approved a bill to authorize construction of the Keystone and Natty pipelines which will extract crude beer from Canadian tar sands and funnel it directly to New South, the Village A rooftops, and the Jesuit Residence.

The bill barely overcame the 20-vote threshold for passage by a narrow 21-19 decision. A coalition consisting of Corpies and actual fraternity members pushed the bill through despite vigorous lobbying from Dixie liquor.

A substantial majority of freshman are eagerly awaiting "that sweet, sweet crude beer."

A substantial majority of freshman are eagerly awaiting “that sweet, sweet crude beer.”

Carlton Tucker (MSB ’17), whose campaign was financed by Dixie, opposed the measure questioning, “Can we truly remain ‘The Hilltop’ if we are to no longer climb all the way back to campus after we’ve purchased alcohol from Dixie?”

The freshman representative from Darnall also protested the bill stating, “more and cheaper beer will only lead to more shit in our elevators.”

On the other side of the aisle, Jon Diamond (COL ’18), a New South Senator told the Heckler, “The Keystone and Natty pipelines represent a huge step toward true alcohol independence, reducing our reliance on upperclassmen and Derek’s shoddy fake ID while increasing the availability of beer from just Derek’s fucking room to the entire building”

Ron Gold (SFS ’17), a co-sponsor, added “These $7 billion, 1,700-mile, high-tech transcontinental beer funnels are big-time, private-sector job creators that will also allow for us to get completely trashed on a consistent basis.”

At press time construction was already underway. Utilizing the voluntary help of freshmen the massive project is expected to be completed in the next few hours.