MCCARTHY — After weeks of tense negotiations, prominent College Republican Member Michael Applebee (MSB ’17) has successfully negotiated the privatization of McCarthy 5’s common room.
The deal, hailed by small-government advocates and conservatives alike, has led to the common room name to be changed to the CAPITAL ONE Space for Long Term Prosperity.
“I saw the common room as a victim of an unwieldy bureaucracy and riddled with inefficiencies,” said Applebee. “It was bleeding money.”
After looking at the finances of the common room Applebee discovered that the common room’s income had plateaued at zero dollars several years ago and was housing the entire floor’s refrigerated goods at “little to no profit.”
“The common room has been perpetually mismanaged.”
Negotiations to transfer control of the common room from the University to private ownership reached a breakthrough when Applebee conceded that McCarthy 5 RA Aaron Sardinski (SFS ‘16) would no longer be responsible for emailing the floor to get their dirty plates out of the sink.
According to Applebee, the move was part of his college mission to not “become one of those tree-hugging liberals,” as he said his parents call them.
“They always say college makes you liberal, and I’m just making sure I don’t fall into that trap,” said Applebee.
Stephanie Stephens, a spokesperson for Capital One, shared the company’s excitement over the deal.
“As one of the world’s largest financial firms we saw securing the naming rights to this midsize college common room as a logical next step in our business model,” said Stephens, “this seemed like an opportunity we couldn’t pass up.”
Although Applebee has been vague about his intentions thus far he reported he is “interested in exploring” instituting a “reasonable charge” to open the refrigerator and use the common room TV.
“Obviously nothing is set in stone, we will just have to see what makes financial sense,” said Applebee.
Applebee has stated that his next goals include turning Student Health Insurance into a voucher system and instituting mandatory drug-tests for eligibility for entrance into Leo’s.