The Georgetown Heckler

News | January 3, 2015

Following Cosmos Marathon, Pope Francis Announces Plan to Replace St. Peter’s Basilica with Planetarium

By

the vatican

VATICAN CITY – Following a three day back-to-back marathon of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s documentary television program Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey, Pope Francis announced to reporters Wednesday his intention to demolish the historic St. Peter’s Basilica to make room for a new planetarium.

 

Known for his attempts at modernizing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis explained the necessity of a Vatican planetarium to reporters.

 

“Did you know if we scaled the time since the Big Bang to a calendar, all of recorded history would only occupy the last 14 seconds of that calendar?” yelled the excited Holy Father from the Papal Apartments to a group of reporters below.  “And did you know that the universe is ever expanding?  We can’t even conceive of that.  It’s like God, but way cooler!  Brothers and sisters, the Vatican’s getting a Planetarium!”

 

Many close to the Pope say that his newfound love of astronomy was unexpected and sparked by mere chance.

 

Cosmos was in the ‘Top Picks for Popa’ category on his Netflix account,” said Cardinal Federico Lazaretto.  “He was really set on watching Billy Elliot, but when we found out that it wasn’t streaming, he was pretty much open to watch anything.  Cosmos was the first thing we saw, so that’s what we chose.  None of us expected him to get this excited about it.”

 

Despite protests by many conservative factions in the Church, an overwhelming majority of Catholics support the Pope’s initiative.

 

According to a recent poll by Quinnipiac University, 60% of Catholics in the United States support the notion that “St. Peter’s Basilica should be torn down, forgotten forever, and replaced by a large Planetarium,” while only 31% refuse to embrace the “wondrous majesty of our infinite galaxy.”

 

A source close to Pope Francis claims that plans are in the works to put many of priceless works of art by Renaissance masters currently housed in the Basilica up for auction, as the Pope believes that “the greatest artwork of all is the vast expanse of space”  which can only be appreciated with a telescope of “papal proportions.”

 

At press time, the Pope sent a Facebook invite to all members of the College of Cardinals for a viewing party of Bill Maher’s Religulous.