LONDON – Citing each UK male citizen’s “timeless duty to her royal loins,” Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decreed yesterday that she will reinstate the medieval practice of prima nocta, effective immediately.
Prima nocta is a lord’s right to deflower a bride on her wedding night. The practice had disappeared from the United Kingdom by the late middle ages, briefly coming back into vogue during the “Swinging Sixteen Sixties” under Charles II. With her decree, read to Parliament by Prime Minister David Cameron, Queen Elizabeth, 89, becomes the first known female monarch to invoke prima nocta.
“I, Elizabeth, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland Queen, do hereby lay claim to the maidenheads of all my female subjects,” Cameron read to the assembled MPs. “May they submit themselves to my advances and provide carnal gratification to the royal person.”
Sources within Buckingham Palace indicated that the Queen made the decree after growing dissatisfied with her husband, Prince Philip, now 93, citing his “lack of spontaneity” in their romantic life.
“The Duke of Edinburgh’s advanced age and poor health have rendered him unable to perform the duties expected of the Queen’s consort,” the Earl Peel, Her Majesty’s Lord Chamberlain said. “Her Majesty was of a mind to set him aside in favor of Tom Hiddleston. Prima nocta was the only option short of scandal.”
Since issuing the decree, Queen Elizabeth has departed on a sexual walkabout of her realm, traveling from wedding to wedding.
Willy Nutters, who yesterday celebrated his nuptials in Fugglestone St. Peter, Wiltshire, described the Queen’s abduction of his blushing bride, Gemma Liverich.
“We had just said our vows when up trot four Windsor Greys drawing the 1902 State Landau,” Nutters said. “Two beefeaters sprang out carrying halberds and brought Gemma back to the carriage.”
Liverich was returned to her husband this morning after what she described as a bizarre night with the Queen.
“Her Majesty had me brought to the dungeon of some castle, blindfolded, and strapped to the rack,” Liverich said. “She told me I had been a naughty peasant and that she was going to punish me. She also insisted that I call her ‘Christian’ during this whole process.”
In another reported encounter, Queen Elizabeth and her coterie of armed pikemen crashed the wedding of Rupert Daundelyon and Philippa Throckmorton.
“I figured I’d just get it over with quickly, so I told Rupert just to let me go,” Throckmorton said. “But then Her Majesty looked him over and said, ‘No, I want you both.’”
As protests against royal absolutism break out across the UK, the prima nocta decree has become an embarrassment for the Conservative government in Westminster. Still, newlyweds’ reactions have remained largely mixed.
Ian Madsen, who spent his wedding night with the Queen last week, said the experience was not as bad as most reports has made it out to be. “Who wouldn’t want do this with the Queen with no strings attached? What a story!” said Madsen. “My wife doesn’t even mind – Elizabeth II was actually on the short list of people with whom I had a free pass to sleep with.”
Other men, less surprisingly, have found the experience less than desirable. Said Steven Key, a 27-year-old electrician from Glastonbury, “That was gross.”
At press time, Prince Harry, the Queen’s grandson, was bringing a suit to the Royal Courts of Justice in an attempt to extend the Queen’s decree of prima nocta to the rest of the nobility.