The Georgetown Heckler

News | July 26, 2015

Georgetown Grounds Crew Struggles to Keep University Presentable After Massive PR Shitstorm


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HEALY HALL — Following a week in which it has come to light that Georgetown has been involved in three separate controversies that include mishandling sexual assault, neglecting racial discrimination, and underfunding psychiatric services, Georgetown University is now steeped in a pile of its own fecal matter. The administration’s streak of confronting serious problems with disproportionately feeble efforts to solve them has created a PR shitstorm leaving no part of the school unstained, from Lauinger Library to Yates Field House. Robert Crutchley, Vice President for Undergraduate Admissions, publicly acknowledged that his office having difficulty keeping campus presentable to prospective applicants, “now that it is basically cesspool of human waste”.


Experts say that the size, scale, self-created nature of this public relations disaster makes this particular pile of shit accumulating on campus unprecedented.


“Even after years doing field work, I’ve never seen a person or entity cover themselves in this much shit all at once,” said public relations meteorologist Abigail Kaplan of the University of Colorado Boulder.  “Imagine, if you will, if someone knocked over all of the Porta Potty’s at Colorado’s Annual Chili Cookoff – it would still be a more welcoming place to pay $67,000 per year to attend than Georgetown University at this time.”


Cleaning crews have been working around the clock to keep to central walkways free from the foul sights and smells of the natural consequences of opaque and impersonal bureaucratic mechanisms.


“Shit is falling from every angle,” said Crutchley. “Our facilities crews can’t keep up.”


Crutchley knows that Georgetown’s international reputation as an exceptional university won’t clear all this shit on its own, and may in fact only amplify burden of having so much shit to deal with.


“The multiple emails about armed robberies yesterday would normally be substantial reasons on their own to move Georgetown out of anyone’s ‘top choice’,” said Crutchley. “But considering the massive dung buildup we still have resulting from trying to push rape survivors off campus, that largely went unnoticed.”


Despite the layers of excrement strewn across campus from several scandals, the university has chosen to continue its tours for prospective students as scheduled.


“My visit to Georgetown was okay,” said another prospective student who wished to remain anonymous. “Healy clock tower was nice but it didn’t look good caked in shit since hazing allegations weren’t publicly acknowledged until a student felt he had no choice but to come forward.”


Georgetown administrators, realizing the economic cost of a shit-covered campus resulting from public awareness of their shortcomings, recently commenced shitstorm recovery efforts.


“After carefully analyzing the situation from all angles, it would appear that I’m about knee-deep in shit that probably didn’t have to be here,” said Georgetown’s communications director Joe Carlisle.  “Could we have maybe just cared about the health, safety, and treatment of the people who work hard and pay a lot of money to go to school here? Could we have been more transparent and honest about our shortcomings? Could we have worked with them toward real solutions?”


Carlisle then struggled for 10 minutes trying to remember the word “students,” but ultimately gave up.  “I don’t know, I don’t really think about those people a lot.”