Normally the last one’s to show up to the party, GERMS, the student-operated emergency medical response team, will be throwing a “primarily ethanol-fueled house banger” in order to reduce their average response time down to 0 minutes. “It’s basic business economics – vertical integration,” explained squad captain Jennifer Knowles (NHS ’15) as she set a keg of Natural Light next to a keg of IV fluid. “It’s been a long week and we’re giving ourselves a break tonight. If people are going to be drunk idiots, they might as well do it while already lying down on a stretcher.” The decision to host the event in the GERMS office is intended to avoid less favorable recovery locations like Darnall bathroom stalls, the Epicurean, and John Carrol’s Lap. “Someone also pitched the idea of throwing the siren on and driving people around in the ambulance party bus style and I thought, ‘Screw it, why not?’” said Chief of Vehicle Operations Paolo Santana (COL ’16), “It’s like a normal trip to the hospital, but your BAC gets higher by the end.” The location for the party has not yet been determined, but GERMS members encourage the student body to keep (202) 687-GERMS (7546) in their phonebooks in case they are in “dire need of a party.”