To The Hoya:
We’ve received the news that you have kidnapped our former managing editor, Connor Rohan (COL ’16). The blood sample you sent to our office, though excessive, was sufficient for us to confirm his identity. You must understand, though, that as a public figure he is no longer of any value to us. He has no more purpose than, say, a Eureka vacuum cleaner with a collapsable handle. And so with regard to your treatment of Mr. Rohan, we say this:
Do what you must.
You will hear from us again soon.
All the best,