The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 16, 2015

University Ups Security Measures, Replaces Student Guards with Brown House Doormen

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HEALY HALL – In a landmark decision announced late Friday night, the Department of Public Safety voted to replace all student guards stationed at each Georgetown residence hall with the bouncers of the popular weekend revelry venue, Brown House.

 

The decision comes as a result of the recent spike in campus burglaries, exposures, and other crimes commonly prevented at Brown House in the presence of large intimidating men with backwards hats.

 

The squad of new hires began work immediately, implementing what they saw as long overdue changes: namely by ripping the sleeves off of their uniforms.

 

Their arrival has been met with mixed approval from the student body.

 

“I can’t deny I feel more safe than even in my McCarthy 5 room. But just last weekend I tried to bribe one of them with a cold Natural Light to let my friend in without signing in” said Jessica Perea (MSB ’18) “but he wouldn’t take it since he already had several stuffed into every pocket”.

 

Alex Weitnauer (SFS ’19), a resident of VCW, has not been allowed into his dorm for over five days.

 

“When I came back from class last Thursday, the new security guard told me I needed to ‘Improve my ratio’ if I wanted to get in” said a grimy looking Weitnauer, who has since taken up residence in the bushes behind Leo’s.

 

Weitnauer is not alone. The outgoing members of the current student guard have also raised their opposition to the announcement.

 

“It’s been really hard finding a job that will pay me so much for doing so little” says Willie Matthews (COL ’18), who was recently fired from his position as a swim instructor for trying to write a philosophy paper on the job.

 

The new guard have taken their new jobs as the point men of campus security very seriously.

 

None could be reached for comment, likely having worked too hard the night before.

 

At press time, they were reportedly seen leading a safety seminar in the Darnall lobby on proper keg stand technique.