WASHINGTON, DC – What began as an innocent game of “what-if” has quickly spiraled out of control for native District resident Alexander Polinski, 25.
“Normally she asks something like ‘what would you do if I gained weight?’ or ‘what would you do if I ended up just like my mother?’ But that Saturday she started right off that bat with ‘what would you do if I left for a few weeks and you couldn’t tell anyone?’ Totally caught me off guard,” said Polinski in an urgent whisper before checking the corners of the room for microphones.
Polinski reiterated that he’s used to separating legitimate questions from veiled threats of violence after only a few months of dating, but this latest game of “would you rather” started to feel more like the gathering of sensitive intelligence.
“I can usually manage a solid answer that would make her feel better about whatever she might be worrying about, but I had no idea how to respond when she asked me what the last thing I would want to say to my dad would be if I was about to never see him again,” said Polinski, who decided to delete his Facebook account only moments after that last question.
Her enquiries, however, did not stop there, as she soon began taking notes on all of Polinski’s medical records, bank information, and experiences with near-death situations.
At press time, Polinski was attempting to delicately reply to a text reading “hey baby, are you okay with losing like, say a limb, maybe two, if it meant that you wouldn’t get eaten entirely?” while hastily packing his clothes into a old backpack.