The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 26, 2015

Study: Morphine Surpasses Laughter as the Best Medicine




BETHESDA, MD – A recent study conducted by the FDA found that morphine has taken the title of “best medicine” from its longstanding holder, laughter. “The sweet song of my grandkids’ laughter helps me forget about the constant pain I’m in and brings me to a place of peace, but if all I have to do is press this button for that sweet, sweet opiatic cash goodness then I’m going to take that option nine times out of ten,” said Eugene Hughes, an 88-year old man in hospice care. Acting commissioner of the FDA, Stephen Ostroff, made a point in a press conference to stress the new prioritization of morphine over laughter or any other expression of joy in quelling physical pain. “While there is a time and a place for joking, a compelling number of empirical studies have found that even mild doses of morphine are nearly 100% more effective in pain reduction for trauma victims than methods such as knock-knock jokes or zany sight gags.” At press time, a small subset of health care workers with educational backgrounds in clowning were challenging the new findings through social media.