The Georgetown Heckler

News | November 3, 2015

Monster Under Bed Wishes You’d Stop Masturbating So Often


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DARNALL HALL – After yet another night of failing to get even a lick of frightening in, the monster that lives under your bed reportedly complained that your masturbation sessions are becoming unbearably frequent, making it practically impossible to get any work done whatsoever. “The RA on duty has yet to respond to a single one of my noise complaints, and it’s not just that his perpetual jerking off is gross—it still is, don’t get me wrong—but now he’s at it again so fast that I’m genuinely concerned for this guy’s health,” he said before poking his head out from under the bed frame only to see you open up yet another incognito window. “I’ve seen some repulsive shit in my days—goblins hooking up with ghouls, trolls doing all sorts of nasty stuff—but this guy’s constant spank party of one is far and away the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had to put up with.” At press time, the monster was explaining that he’s only living there temporarily, as the monster that lives in your closet keeps sexiling him.