WILTON, CT – Following a visit from TJ Hardy’s Plumbing & Heating regarding a leaky kitchen faucet, area legal teen Riley Vixen was reportedly dismayed by her plumber’s desire to fix her literal pipes. “I leaned in real close and told him he could make this a quick in-and-out job with his electric eel, but he just told me that plumber’s snakes are only used for clogs and he may have to run to Lowe’s later,” seductively whispered Vixen as she bent over to pick up a bottle of scarlet lipstick. “He just wasn’t getting it. I had so many plumbing metaphors lined up: massive wrench, throat-plate, grooved fitting, gas cock, manhole, but I got nothing. At one point I even said, ‘just fuck me already,’ to which he replied that my flux valve is fine.” At press time, Vixen was suspended from high school for uncorking a bottle of merlot in Mr. Jerome’s human anatomy review session.