PITTSBURGH, PA – In an inspiring display of self-control, Chuck Rogers chose to not get behind the wheel of a car to drive his children Caroline and Zach to soccer practice, deciding he was too drunk to drive. Chuck, fighting through a 0.23 BAC on a Tuesday afternoon, still had the good sense to set an upstanding example for his kids.

The day started like any other for Chuck at 8:30 AM with a Cold Coors Light. Invigorated by the low calorie taste of light beer, Chuck continued to binge drink throughout the morning before proceeding to play his son Zach’s newly purchased PlayStation.

At noon, Chuck decided against making Caroline and Zach lunch, fearing that he was “too drunk to work the stove or even use a knife.” Caroline and Zach, who are 10 and 9 years old, respectively, both were better off fending for themselves. As our hero put it, “They’re old enough to make a sandwich for themselves.”

Chuck’s service as a role model for his children did not end there. At 3 in the afternoon, just thirty minutes before his children’s soccer practice started, Chuck earned his title as Dad of the Year.

Citing his inebriation and overall tired state—not to mention the handful of Xanax he had taken earlier in the day—the exemplary father made the difficult but responsible decision to not drive his kids to soccer practice. “By 3 I was done for the day. The few Xanies earlier were really starting to kick in and I just wanted another beer.” Chuck later left the press conference, stating that “I just really need a beer right now.”

Said the 9-year-old son Zach, “I hate soccer practice anyways, but I love the way Dad just lets me do what I want to do. Plus, he sometimes lets me have a beer if I don’t bother him, isn’t that awesome?”

At press time, the adventurous Chuck decided to take his kids on an impromptu camping trip after being evicted form his home.