LINCOLN, NE – President Obama cited the “Goddamn need to do everything around here,” on Thursday morning as he made a brief stop in a cross-country campaign trip to certify passport forms at the Shale Dr. US Post Office in Lincoln, Nebraska. “Friggin Cheryl always files the DS-11s without checking the I-918s,” the President angrily muttered under his breath as he sorted through a filing cabinet. “The Iranians are making threats, the Russians are subverting international law, and Darnell in Nevada isn’t storing casework in triplicate.” Breathing harshly through clenched teeth, the President explained that he would be next mailing out social security checks to the entire retired population of Delaware because, “Sarah in accounts can’t get her shit together, per usual.” Obama added that personally plans on firing all of the incompetent employees among 21,995,000 federal workers he can interview between now and next Tuesday.