The Georgetown Heckler

News | May 2, 2016

Pope Mandates All Christians Should Sometimes Maybe At Least Try to Feel Bad About Sinning

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VATICAN CITY – On Monday, in an effort to boost church attendance and reduce any legalistic stigma surrounding Catholic doctrine, Pope Francis declared that, “from now on, Christians need to only just try, even if it’s just a teeny tiny little bit, to feel bad about doing a sin.” “If you sin, even just a little bit, at least  try to think of how that’s the against the rules. That’s all I’m going to ask for. I don’t ask for much, do I? Just one little moment of ‘oops, I guess I sorta fucked that one up’, and move on; that’s all you need to get into heaven. It’s not that hard,” said the tired and frustrated religious leader from his pulpit in St. Peter’s Basilica, addressing an eager crowd of thousands of worshipers. Although this represents a  tradition, which emphasizes regular and sincere pleas for divine mercy, the Pope and his advisors believe this is the best course of action in order to adapt the church’s expectations to meet realistic, modern standards. “Let’s say this,” continued Pope Francis, massaging the angry vein on his forehead, “If you masturbate, or curse, or whatever, don’t even bother telling God anymore. Just think, ‘Am I being my best me?’ or ‘Do I feel okay with that?’ If so, good. If not, I don’t know. I don’t care. We really have to start moving on.””At press time, the Pope added that he, too, felt that Hell was a little too “over the top” and would try to talk to God about “some basic improvements to hospitality”.