The Georgetown Heckler

News | July 25, 2016

Progressive Activists Look Forward to Four Nights of Mild Trump Jokes, Symbolic Appeasement


PHILADELPHIA, PA - JULY 24: Activists march through downtown before the start of the Democratic National Convention (DNC) on July 24, 2016 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The convention officially begins on Monday and is expected to attract thousands of protesters, members of the media and Democratic delegates to the City of Brotherly Love. (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

(Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

PHILADELPHIA, PA – With only hours left until the 2016 Democratic National Convention kicks off, far-left delegates, activists, and voters remained excited to see their months of campaigning and advocacy coalesce into a few speeches that turn Donald Trump’s divisive rhetoric into safe punchlines and easy applause breaks.


The Democratic party’s progressive wing underwent a monumental revitalization during the primary. Democratic-socialist Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) winning close to half of all primary votes while mobilizing millions of young and first-time voters.


Political commentators have expected a spirited pushback from this progressive faction in the wake of a recent e-mail leak that suggested a DNC fix against Sanders, and the selection of noted centrist Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA). This has not been the case.


“I really wanted to see a single-payer healthcare system in the platform this year,” said 24-year-old Anna Smythe, a former Sanders supporter. “But once I saw that the girl from Kick Ass is going to give a speech about how Hillary actually ‘kicks ass’, it gave me lots of hope that we’re going to get some real reform done, and maybe bring back some manufacturing jobs.”


In one dramatic scene, an anti-drone protestor extinguished his own molotov cocktail once a DNC volunteer handed him a “Make Donald Drumpf Again” hat. “Now that’s what I’m talking about!” he yelled.


One anti-deportation advocate, Manny Juarez, said his concerns about a weak platform were quelled when, on the way to Philadelphia, he heard Tim Kaine speaking Spanish in a speech.


Said Juarez, “Really, so long as Hillary or some other person – I don’t actually give a shit who it is – says that thing about how building bridges is better than building walls, or whatever, I’d say us progressives have been heard.”


Some protestors came bearing signs that read “#DemExit”, a reactionary movement within the Democratic base which threatens to move support away from the Clinton-Kaine and to some third party. The demonstrators clashed with pro-Hillary convention attendees outside of the Wells Fargo Arena.


In one interaction, a Hillary supporter correctly pointed out that a successful “#DemExit” would split the liberal vote and effectively guarantee the election of Donald Trump, an emotionally volatile and politically untested man that aligns with almost none of their values.


“Good, that’ll show ’em,” a #DemExit-er responded before tipping a cop car the wrong way and crushing himself to death.