WHITE-GRAVENOR HALL – After realizing he was “losing them” 45 minutes into an hour and fifteen minute lecture, the tenured English professor Dr. Burgess reportedly called King Laius of the story of Oedipus a “dick” in a last-ditch effort to persuade the remaining students to not drop his class. “So when he ordered the ankles to be pierced, we can agree, he was kind of being a dick, no?” the prominent academic scholar joked while laughing nervously to the silence and discomfort of his class. Students reported that they were not only confused by this poorly veiled attempt to establish his image as “the cool professor” but disappointed as well. Said Junior Erin Burns (SFS ’18), “I was really looking forward to a thought-provoking discussion today, but I think the professor just wanted us to like him. He asked us to call him Todd, or T-dog. I’m not even sure Todd is his first name. He seemed really nervous.” At press time, the man that has been praised as one of the most influential literary scholars of the 21st century is said to be googling the use of the phrase “on point” in order to “really hook ’em right off the bat” at the start of next class.