The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 16, 2016

The Corp Reveals New Five-Year Plan to Transform Yates into One Huge Soulcycle



LEAVEY CENTER — Citing numerous online health articles and questionable financial statistics, the Corp revealed its plans on Sunday to convert Yates Field House into one huge SoulCycle over the next five years. “We felt that the old model of going to the gym and exercising however you’d like is outdated. We at the Corp haven’t met anyone who isn’t all for stationary biking for a set amount of time as an unreasonably fit stranger yells at you,” said Corp spokeswoman Elisa Rodgers (MSB ’18) as several Hilltoss employees nodded in agreement. Though critics of this new plan noted that the lofty $40 session fees would not be covered with tuition, the Corp defended its position by reminding everyone of SoulCycle’s motto “your soul matters!” and that a workout can “burn up to 700 calories in 45 minutes!” Still, many drew parallels between the SoulCycle plan and the 2-year-old Hilltoss salad bar, which has been off to a fledgling start. “This is totally different from Hilltoss,” said Rodgers. “People thought Hilltoss was just Corp employees starting an overpriced business that only Corp employees would find useful. This, on the other hand, is in an undeniably much bigger room than Hilltoss.” At press time, reports indicated that Corp employees had already stolen every bicycle intended for use in the new complex.