The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 19, 2016

Good Night’s Sleep to Help Man Focus on Feeling Shitty About Other Things in Life



DUPONT CIRCLE — Rubbing the sleep from his eyes and letting loose a satisfied yawn, local man Jonathan Fitzpatrick expressed to sources late Sunday afternoon that after a long, restful night’s sleep, the 34 year old security guard was ready to focus on feeling shitty about the other things in his life. “I must have gotten a good 9, maybe 10 hours in last night. My head is finally clear enough to start dialing in on a long laundry list of problems that have been hiding just under the surface. Hell, I might even call my parents.” said a bleary eyed Fitzpatrick, noticing for the first time how terribly his red leather furniture matched the cracked linoleum in his one story apartment. “You know the reason I don’t sleep like this more often is probably the horrible hours I’m working at my job. I actually got to dream! Like I used to , when I dreamed of becoming a public defender, but then there was law school and bills and, of course, there was Susie…” said the Atlanta native, trailing off. At press time, sources confirmed Fitzpatrick was seen poking and prodding his belly fat in front of a mirror while letting out sighs of disappointment, noting it was the first time he had the energy to do so in a while.