The Georgetown Heckler

News | October 23, 2016

Scientists Predict Last Republican Baby Already Born



ROCHESTER, MN – Biologists at the Mayo Clinic published a report on Tuesday, representing the culmination of years of research starting in 2010. The report contained the astonishing conclusion that the last baby to grow up to be a Republican has already been born. “This either happened faster than expected or took way longer than it should have, depending on how you look at it,” commented lead researcher Jane Thompson, adding that current election cycle likely pushed the endangered political affiliation over the edge. Republicans have lashed out at the report, blaming liberals for funding and influencing the results. “I can’t say I’m entirely shocked,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) at a press conference. “I mean, I’m all for conservative values and whatnot, but I would never tell my kids to purposely affiliate with my colleagues.” At press time, the GOP was already converting their “get out the vote” push to a reproduction campaign in red states.