The Georgetown Heckler

News | November 6, 2016

Blue & Gray Tour Guide Accidentally Leads Group into Parallel Universe



LAND WITHOUT TIME — On what should have been a regular afternoon tour for Blue and Gray veteran tour guide Martha Anderson (COL ’16), things quickly got out of hand. “I was just doing our regular route, right out White Gravenor and through to Copley Lawn, but when I turned to get onto the lawn…” Anderson began to tremble as her eyes veered into the distance, “I saw it.” What can only be described as a gigantic undulating portal leading directly into an undiscovered other-world sat right before her. “Well I didn’t see it, technically,” Anderson recounts, “I was walking backwards so, logically, I couldn’t have seen it.” But that’s when things began to take a turn for the worse.


Worried about panic spreading to the visitors, and still wanting to sell them on Georgetown, Anderson decided to go with it.


“This is my favorite gelatinous hole of space-time on campus!” shouted Anderson, covering obvious fear as her group walked through the Valley of Empty Breaths. The tour group found itself in an entirely different world, but Anderson resolved to remain brave. “No matter how many pterodactyls might be screeching at you, you have to give a good tour,” she said with a face of sheer determination.


“When I say Hoya, you say Saxa!” Anderson chanted as time began to melt into a singular crystalized ball on the horizon. “We were all terrified,” remembered Olivia Meyers, a mother of a prospective student who was on the tour. “But we had no option but to follow her. And, to her credit, she did manage to inform us about all the school’s co-curricular groups and options to engage in Student Theater.”


The ordeal finished as the group turned past a pile of crumbling identical galaxies and emerged in Red Square. “We still made it to the bookstore on time,” exclaimed Anderson, “though people had many more questions than usual following the tour. “We’re just happy to be going home,” mentioned Mrs. Meyers, “but my son will still probably be applying early to the Ivies early, alternative universe or not.”