If you’re like most well-meaning Americans, you’ve spent every morning since October 7th, 2016 replacing your morning shower with a close reading of 40-50 Wikileaked emails of John Podesta, chairman of the Clinton 2016 campaign. And, if you’re like most perceptive Americans, you’re starting to see some dots reveal themselves to you – formless, perturbing dots just begging to be connected. Ever the skeptic, you ask yourself: Are these dots that I’m seeing just patches of cornea that have been decaying because I’ve been waking myself up with Alex Jones’s Brain Force Plus pills every morning after knocking myself out the night before with a fistful of his Knockout Sleep Support? The same “objective” commentators who predicted a Clinton landslide would certainly like you to think so.
But we know better. We know that Jefferson said, “An enlightened citizenry is indispensable for the proper functioning of a republic.” We know to study good policy and press our representatives on its implementation. We know to keep a watchful eye on how a politician’s actions are swayed by their personal interests. Most of all, we know that if a few emails mention a pizza joint for catering and fundraising purposes, its role in child sex trafficking can never be ruled out.
Recently, a brother in self-investigation arrived at Comet Pizza, the supposed hub of a DNC-linked underground sex trafficking operation, but failed to blow the lid completely off. But he did come damn close. In the spirit of emulating our heroes, we’ll break down exactly what it takes to be a DIY, self-investigator like him – aside from an appetite for the truth and an assault rifle.
Below are just a few to help get you started on uncovering whatever truths you know in your heart are valid:
1) Spice up your writing
No matter what writing you do on the topic of your choice, it needs to be absolutely riddled with name puns. Name puns, like the oft-used “Shillary Clinton”, are a subconscious rhetorical tactic that you might not have even noticed in your research. They give your writing depth, and give a subtle hint about your feelings towards the subject. They even have the added bonus of disguising your work from pesky Deep-State operatives Twitter searching for the real name.
Obviously, the one thing us self-investigators don’t lack is creativity. If you are coming up short, however, we’ve compiled a few fresh ones for John Podesta as an example for you to build from:
John NOdesta, John No-desk-huh? (re: his lack of a desk in the White House), John Paid-‘test-ya (re: the paid anti-Trump protestors), Con Molest-a, John Po-messed-up, Jon Podesta (this one is just more frustrating for him to read, I bet).
2) Look the part
Like anything, most of your legitimacy is gained through presentation. Picking the right Twitter or Facebook profile picture can make all the difference.
First and foremost, your defining photo should absolutely be a selfie taken in the front seat of your car or truck. If you have a landing strip goatee (you should), angle it just slightly away from the camera. Your eyes should be obscured by a pair of Oakley sport sunglasses, and your wry smirk should say, “I have unironically called someone an ‘SJW’, as a pejorative, out loud.”
Of course, the material of your self-investigation may be far too sensitive to disclose your identity. If the default egg on Twitter doesn’t do it for you, consider a stock image of young hooded man in a Guy Fawkes mask. Yes, this would limit public knowledge of who you are, but it would also work to erode any awareness of yourself that you once had. This might sound bad, but think of it. Is there a better way to help you move away from the bounds of subjectivity to become an objective examiner? Plus it will help temper any criticism you get from haters. After all, how can you be a “parody of yourself” when that self has now disappeared into anonymity?
If you thought there was sensitive information that only you knew, would you keep it to yourself? No, of course not. As obvious as this is, some people still choose to wield their knowledge of top secret information as though it’s a fun piece of Jeopardy trivia. This can be dangerous. Waiting for a lull in the conversation to casually warn people that the EPA uses fluoride to make you sign up for Obamacare just isn’t enough. If you want to be a serious self-investigator, you must talk about nothing else besides the object of your investigation. It should be your identity.
Let’s go back to our Comet Pizza self-investigator. Say what you will about him, but the man was dedicated. There is no chance that guy talked about anything else. How many conversations about the Redskins playoff chances do you think he had? Exactly. He was the Pizza Place Child Sex Trafficking Guy who kept his eyes, and the conversation, on the prize, and I can assure you that any sheeple who tried to shoot the breeze with him about the weather was quick to find that out.
These are only general guidelines to follow. In reality, being a self-investigator is a lot like entering high school for the first time as a freshman – there are only so many rules to follow before you start to get the hang of it on your own. Put yourself out there. Make friends. Intimidate postal workers by threatening their families until they give you the address of where the actual president lives. Just be you.
We hope this helped! Please feel free to updating The Heckler with your progress.