ACROSS THE COUNTRY – The nation was rocked today as over 10 million Patriots fans arose from their hibernation period, which extended back as far as Feb 2, 2015. Scientists have still been unable to explain the nature of these Patriots fans; the only discernible characteristic is that they will only come out for the Super Bowl if Tom Brady is participating.
“I love the Pats and I know who other Boston teams are!” said a recently awoken fan, “I mean, jeez, just take a look at the stats. It’s like wow, those are some serious stats!” When pushed for more details than “the stats,” most Patriots fans crumble under the pressure and just throw on a Gronkowski jersey, clueless of the fact that he is injured.
We also interviewed one Falcons fan, but their endless and useless knowledge of Matt Ryan stats immediately bored us. So we left. At press time, there was a growing circle of Patriots fan chanting Tom Brady’s name while slowly undressing and forming a human pentagram.