The Georgetown Heckler

News | February 15, 2017

Unless Demands are Met, Local Child Vows to Hold Breath Until He Dies


THE KITCHEN – In a display of principle and conviction, sources indicate that unless Mom extends TV time until 5:30p.m, 7-year old Bennett Schiffman will hold his breath until he dies.

“Frankly, I was shocked” said Bennett’s mother, while fixing him and his friends a nice snack. “I knew he loved TV, but I didn’t know he possessed such moral conviction.”

Schiffman explained that this is a cause larger than himself. “It is much like Henry David Thoreau articulates in Civil Disobedience: ‘Must the citizen ever for a moment, or in the least degree, resigns his conscience to the legislator?… I think that we should be men first, and subjects afterward,’” said Schiffman, while munching on some Spongebob macaroni.

“I feel a deep sense of injustice for those who suffer under the yolk of a 5:30 TV cutoff, and am willing to give my life for the cause – it is as simple as that,” he continued.

At press time, Schiffman can be found staring insolently at the turned-off TV, and will likely begin his just sacrifice as soon as Mom gets off the phone.