The Georgetown Heckler

News | February 23, 2017

GUSA Hopeful’s Leaked Emails Reveal Massive Corruption, Depressing Friday Night Plans


HEALY HALL, GEORGETOWN – In a sudden development in the 2017 GUSA election, over 200 emails from a candidate team were leaked late Tuesday night revealing a trail of massive corruption and a set of depressing Friday night plans.

The leak exposed multiple messages between the candidates and club leaders pledging GUSA funding in return for campaign support, as well as one email sent to over 50 recipients with the subject line, “Apples to Apples?”.

“I want to overlook it, but I just feel like I can’t” Colleen Marks (SFS 19) told sources. “I mean Apples to Apples? Not even Cards Against Humanity, but Apples to Apples. Yikes.”

Many voters expressed doubts about the candidate’s honesty as well as their ability to amass the two other players needed to make the party card game playable.

While the candidate’s bribes tipped the scales at nearly four zeros spread amongst several different clubs, the RSVPs to their game night managed only one.

In a press conference following the leak, the candidate asked voters to look past their mistakes and get to know the real him, perhaps over a beer and a game of checkers.

“I would like to apologize to my family, my friends, and most of all my campaign staff. I would love nothing more than to make it up to you all somehow”, the shamed candidate told onlookers. “Should we say my place at 7?”

At press time, sources confirmed seeing the candidate team pledging their support to the Matthews-Matz ticket, if they would only grab Leo’s with them sometime this week or maybe next.