The Georgetown Heckler

News | March 2, 2017

Student Group Performing Animal Sacrifices Reassures Student Body They Are Not Religious, Just Weird


WASHINGTON, D.C. – The group responsible for the frequent public animal sacrifices on the first floor of Reiss has come forward this week to distance themselves from any claims of religious affiliation. Most Hoyas have become accustomed to the wild drumbeats, shooting flames, and not entirely unpleasant lingering smell of barbeque that accompany the rituals which have become synonymous with Springtime at Georgetown.

Campus security reported that they assumed the ceremony to be religious, and that they have tolerated the continued slaughter of everything from unblemished first year lambs out of respect. The leader of this group reportedly dispelled this belief, tweeting, “We’re just a fun group of guys who loves animal sacrifice—nothing religious about it”. Apparently, the organization is entirely comprised of a bunch of weirdos who just enjoy ritual sacrifice as an escape from the daily grind of academics and social commitments to which all Georgetown students can relate.

The group was already raising some eyebrows among the administration after noise complaints were filed in response to the especially piercing death throes of a goat last week. This new information about the lack of a reasonable motivation for the sacrifices is expected to lead to a crackdown on the practice. 

The group welcomes new members and will be having a recruitment mixer/goat sacrifice at the next full moon, cocktail attire requested.