The Georgetown Heckler

News | March 17, 2017

Quitter Dies at 99


BALTIMORE, MD – This Thursday afternoon a local 99 year old woman, and apparently a complete quitter, Susan Edelran died.

“It’s really a shame that mom had to give up on life just a few weeks before hitting that big 100. I guess she really just was a total slacker when it came down to it,” said Edelran’s son Joe.

Edelran’s close friends, Mary Gomeckie and Ronald Heartshire, 101 and 100 respectively, reported that Susan had always been the type to give up too soon, and that they had expected her toss in the cards in the final stretch.

“We see a lot of cases like this, where old people are too damn lazy to sack up and stick it out for a few more months. Really a disgrace,” said mortician Arnold Escalo.

At press time, multiple sources reported that Edelran’s children were weeping as they had to tell her grandchildren what a failure their grandmother was.