The Georgetown Heckler

News | March 24, 2017

Lobbyist Fondly Remembers When You Could Bribe a Senator for a Nickel


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reflecting on the changing times and rising costs in a globalizing world, sources report K Street Lobbyist Jack Michaelson fondly remembered when he could bribe a U.S. Senator for just a nickel.

“When I was young, my company would give me two dimes and a quarter, I’d go down to the local congressman’s office, and I’d be able to get any agenda we wanted to pass. Nowadays, that much money won’t even get me a lunch date,” said Michaelson, staring off into the distance at some bygone time.

The rise of inflation and the moral integrity of senators has meant that money in 2017 does not simply have the same mileage as it did in the 60s.

“The amount I have to spend to corrupt senators these days is out of hand and unsustainable. The other day it cost me eight dollars and a cheeseburger to persuade Paul Ryan to endorse the AHCA. It’s madness!”, continued Michaelson.

At press time, Michaelson was seen counting pocket change to make sure he had enough to buy out the Missouri representatives that afternoon.