The Georgetown Heckler

News | March 26, 2017

“I Demand the Dormitory Concierge!” Cries Monied Harbin Heiress


HARBIN HALL – Beginning at dawn on Wednesday morning, multiple complains were filed regarding Susann Buxworthy Kentsworth III, heiress to the prestigious Kentsworth’s Packing Peanut fortune.

“Alas I have been run afoul one too many times!” declared the tearful Ms. Kentsworth, into a gilded 1889 Victrola phonograph. “I must be better cared for if I am to continue at this institution! I am but a frailed peach!”

Neighbors have found Ms. Kentworth’s erratic, turn-of-the-century behavior extremely disruptive.

“I’ve sent in, like, five complaints to housing this week,” noted Jenna Laurence (COL ’20). “I keep hearing her moan while mournfully playing her harpsichord and screaming for her butler. I can’t focus in my room. Also, she doesn’t even have a butler. She’s just shouting at some kid named Chad.”

“I’ve gotten used to it at this point,” commented Chad Miller (NHS ’20), who is not a butler. “I was mostly flattered when she sent me mink coattails, those things retail for like, upwards of $2000.”

Georgetown Student Living is currently investigating the situation. However, the office has disclosed that it has recently recieved approximately seventeen Siamese cats from the Kentworth family, with a note reading “to curry your favor.” The Heckler will continue to update you as the investigation proceeds.