The Georgetown Heckler

News | April 1, 2017

Sports Lovers Rejoice: The Basketball Has Arrived


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hark! It is that time of the year again. If you are a sports lover prepare to pick your jaw off the floor and put on a new pair of trousers, for the rumors are true: The Great Basketball has arrived.

Many thought “it could not be,” but it does be. For many moons sports lovers have cowered in the shadows, fearing but secretly praying for the prophesized reemergence of The Basketball. Last time it was here, utter chaos ensued. The Basketball could not be handled by many weak unprepared individuals, and it left as it came: in a blinding, searing fireball of Sports.

But now it is back. Many dare to ask why? Do we deserve The Basketball? Is it some sort of divine punishment, or is perhaps a blessing? Nobody will truly ever be able to answer these questions. Here’s what we do know though: it is here, and there will be Sports. “Basketball is my entire life,” recounted local Sports lover Dan Johnson. “Every year I pray and hope for its return and now here it is. What a wonderful miraculous world we live in.”

If you are a Sports lover, do not fear, for The Basketball will not harm you. If not, we recommend taking extra precautions to ensure that you are not afflicted with the virus that seems to have taken over the minds of followers of The Basketball. If history is any indicator, The Basketball will soon recede back into the nether from whence it came. But until then, beware, non-Sports lovers, for The Basketball has arrived.