The Georgetown Heckler

News | April 6, 2017

Participation Grade Sucker-Punched by Crippling Social Anxiety


REISS – Despite hours upon hours spent studying and comprehending required course readings, sources report that Junior David Rothstein will receive another disappointing C+ this semester after his participation grade was mercilessly sucker-punched by his crippling social anxiety.

“This class places a large emphasis on me hearing from you,” threatened his professor maliciously, with mocking laughter in his eyes. “I want your opinions and thoughts – I want to learn as much from you as you learn from me.”

Sources noted that at one point, it looked like Rothstein was about to raise his hand, but then just turned it into an awkward stretching-like motion instead as his social anxiety delivered another fatal blow. “It’s just not fair” Rothstein likely would have said, had his social anxiety’s firm vice-grip on his grade not prevented him from responding to any of our questions.  

Reports indicate that while obviously well versed on the material, earning straight A’s on all written assignments, Rothstein simply failed to speak up in class. “I don’t get it,” said Freshman Alexa Reese, without even remotely being prompted to give her opinion on the subject. “David seems like, so smart. Why can’t he just answer a question or two in class? I do it all the time! In fact, I was just telling the professor how in my personal experience…” [Full response redacted for the sake of brevity.] “Anyway, he should definitely talk more. What a weirdo.”

At press time, Rothstein appears to be writing a strongly worded email to his professor that sources indicate will be of no consequence whatsoever.