The Georgetown Heckler

News | April 13, 2017

Behold! Serial Shower Masturbator Strikes Again!


HARBIN – So! The shower stalls of Harbin 7 were unusually quiet – until this morning, when the notorious Shower Masturbator laid waste to Stall 7-C, leaving a sticking trail in his villainous wake.

He left it in wreckage, strewn with his remnants and the markers of his power. “Yeah I heard it. Was right next to the stall when it happened. I heard terrible noises – then he was gone,” said terrified local Brett Haverman (COL ’20), whose eyes stared off far into the distance.

Like a wraith in the darkest night, the Masturbator disappeared off in search of his next, pristine shower stall.

From Harbin 2 to Harbin 9, whispers of comings and goings and even more comings have filled the bathrooms of clusters. The Masturbator is ruthless – devastating stalls sometimes three times a day.

Said local cleaning lady Louise, “It gets pretty sticky in there, sure, but why are you asking me about this.”

Oh noble men of Harbin – look on his work and despair! For you are at his mercy until his roommate leaves for an extended period of time!

As the huddled masses await precious shipments of waterproof flip-flops from home, they remain watchful – looking for a ghost, a surreptitious squelch, a demon in their midst.

At press time, the Masturbator remained at large.