The Georgetown Heckler

News | April 14, 2017

Fine-Pressed Suit Ready to Score This Loser a Job


WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to sources in a lackluster senior’s closet, this freshly pressed blue suit is ready to score John Mitchell (COL’ 17) a job. While Mitchell has few desirably qualities and is overall a mediocre candidate, this well-fitted and starkly pressed two-piece is positive that it can outshine any and all of Mitchell’s short-comings.

“We have no idea how John got an interview, but if anything cover up his blundering self, it’s that amazing blue suit he owns. It’s the perfect shade and just the right fit – it kind of makes you forget how much of a loser John is,” said Alex Cardono (COL ’17), apparently friend of John.

Investigation has uncovered that the remarkable piece of formalwear has already snagged two other job opportunities for Mitchell, despite his subpar philosophy grades and general lack of activity in campus life.

“To be honest I thought Mitchell was doomed when it comes to finding an opening,” commented Mitchell’s job counselor, Rachel Miles, “but when he arrived for a mock interview in that gorgeous get-up, I just forgot everything about how he has a small criminal record and seven flunked classes. The suit even had me offer him a position at the career center then and there.”

Mitchell reportedly brought home a new charcoal grey suit this past week, which leaves everyone wondering: could this be the suit that scores him that Fulbright Scholarship? Only time will tell.