The Georgetown Heckler

News | April 19, 2017

Friendly-Looking Middle Schooler Actually Tyrant of Vast, Cruel Minecraft Empire


WASHINGTON, D.C.— Recent reports have shown that a perfectly benign-looking local seventh grader is actually the ruthless autocrat of a sprawling Minecraft kingdom. The ostensibly kind youth presides over a complex political machine, demanding incalculable resources from territory that belongs to his friends, at punishment of death.

“This is my server, you guys,” boomed the voice of the 5’3” dictator from his towering seat of power at his mom’s desk, “I made it, so I get to make the rules. Get back to the obsidian mines before night falls or else it’s back to the spider cages with you lot.”

Inside sources reported that the overtly sweet youngster who loves both geometry and social studies is actually even more brutal and calculating than some external monitoring organizations have suggested. While outside observers of his regime, namely the boy’s parents, have claimed that he merely “gets a bit worked up over his little game sometimes,” his close friends talked of a kid “obsessed with that game,” gone “mad with power.”

Machiavellian in his political cunning, the tiny acne-laden tyrant is reportedly known for his carefully crafted ultimatums. A crony who comes over the boy’s house regularly for Fruit Roll-Ups recalls the shrewd realpolitik of: “Hand over your new armor or else I’m banning you for good. Or worse: I’ll send you to the Nether with the Magma Cubes.”

At press time, the boy’s sister was seen masterminding a multi-tiered PokémonGo black market item-trading ring.