DARNALL 416 – Friends and peers alike have been avidly awaiting the Keith Masterson’s (NHS ’20) first sexual encounter. After almost a full year of posing as an “easy-going, fun-loving dude,” Masterson is ready for the elaborate scheme to pay off. His partner this evening is Marisol Ortega (COL ’20). A beautiful brunette from Bogota by way Cincinnati, Ortega met Masterson at a “casual” kickback at their mutual friend, John Rothberg’s (COL ’20) Village C West dorm. An days-long texting conversation ensued. Now, many commentators have remarked that Masterson may be shooting too far out of his league, but tonight there will be an official record of moment-to-moment action that can be judged by the public.
10:48 PM – Masterson has asked Ortega to his room.
10:49 PM – Request confirmed, departure from Village A F203
10:52 PM – Small talk about Masterson’s fictional band, The Left Footers.
10:55 PM – Anecdote about dog allergies, a Masterson classic
10:58 PM – Arrival
11:02 PM – Masterson continues the dog allergy anecdote
11:03 PM – Ortega kisses Masterson to make him stop telling the dog allergy anecdote
11:06 PM – Hand hovers over left breast
11:08 PM – Hand hovers over left breast
11:09 PM – Right breast?
11:10 PM – Nope, Masterson remains over left. He makes his initial move
11:15 PM – Masterson realizes he’s stifling both a sneeze and a fart
11:16 PM – Panic
11:18 PM – A snart.
11:20 PM – Bra relieved
11:21 PM – Bra reapplied
11:22 PM – Ortega comments on a foul smell
11:23 PM – “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” mutters Masterson
11:24 PM – Ortega is about to realize Masterson’s bowel movement
11:25 PM – Realized.
11:27 PM – Ortega departs.