The Georgetown Heckler

News | April 29, 2017

Breaking: Supervillain Obtained One Damn Thing Hero Was Supposed to Protect

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OUTER SPACE – Despite numerous, well-choreographed fist fights with henchmen and several tense confrontations in which our Hero naively declared that “good will always prevail,” reports indicate that the green, pulsating ancient relic that is somehow the key piece to Zorg’s plan for world domination has finally fallen into his hands.

According to our Hero’s wise old mentor who tragically died right after imparting his last words of wisdom, this green thing was apparently also “the one damn thing that he was supposed to protect. I mean Zorg, an ultra-powerful superbeing who wants to destroy the entire universe, somehow only needed this one thing to do it, and we had it. I have no idea how we’re gonna get out of this one.”

Reports indicate that Zorg somehow identified our Hero’s one weakness – a pretty blonde love interest – and held her hostage in exchange for the relic, which our Hero decided was probably a fair deal. “She kept telling me not to give it to him, because he’s just going to end the world anyway so she’ll be dead either way” said our Hero. “But because of my perpetual misguided quest for justice, I just couldn’t let her sacrifice herself like that. What good are these confusingly limitless powers if I don’t use them to save people?”

At press time, despite Zorg’s world domination countdown timer hitting 5 minutes, our Hero still believes that he can probably still work something out.